Final Fantasy: The Spirits Outside
by ntrophi
Summary: Whoo, chapter three up now. I may actually get this finished some day! Gray talks back to the author, Aki has more dreams, cannon fodder soldiers get killed and Hein just gets weird. I have fresh cookies for those who reviiiiew...
1. Chapter 1 - Introductions and the Beginn...

**Author note: People should have realised that it would happen eventually – that _I would parody this movie. Well, this is my first feature length parody, but you all know me! I always make things uh… Funny. Sort of. *innocent grin* This is only part one – up to the Council scene. I got a bit of writer's block past there, but I assure you all that more is coming! ^_^_**

Well, I should get to the disclaimery bit. I don't own _any Final Fantasy characters (though I wouldn't mind Auron as my bodyguard and Kefka as my personal slave!) I also don't own anything to do with Windows, Pac-man, Sony, Pepsi, the Ginyu force (who are from Dragonball Z for the unknowing amongst you) or uh… anything really. Though the Shallow Teeth name is mine, and I don't want it stolen as I am somewhat (pathetically) proud of it!_

Well, enjoy, ne? Cookies (as always) to those who review. A free trip to the centre of the Sun for those who don't!

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**Final Fantasy – The Spirits Outside (A slight… Adaptation…)**

(EXT – A barren plain

The camera pans up over the deserted wasteland, to reveal a young woman, staring at the sun)

Woman: Woah… Bright…

(The sun suddenly turns around to show that it actually has a cartoon face, complete with stupid grin and over-large sunglasses. Weird? Well, this is a dream, isn't it?)

Sun: Dontcha just love it? Bright, bright, bright!

(The woman shoots a derisive glare at the sun, and looks down. Instead of being stood on the dusty ground, she finds she is actually standing on a small, disgruntled fish)

Fish: Get off me, you over-weight glob of grease!! Oh, the paaa…

(The fish's laments are cut short as the woman – clearly unappreciative of the author's treatment of this scene – scowls and stamps on it. Shaking her head, she looks up. There is an explosion in the distance, but before she can investigate it further, she wakes up)

Woman: (V.O.) The dream is always the same…

(We see her wipe a hand over her face, watching as her nifty dream recorder attempts to save her dream. Instead, it lets out a disgruntled "bleep" and crashes)

Woman: Piece of crap… Compatible with Windows 98 my ass…

(She shakes her head again and pushes herself out of her chair)

Woman: (V.O.) I'm standing, waiting for something…

(A frown crosses her face, and she turns to glare at the camera)

Woman: What the hell am I saying? The dream is always different, and I'm always crunching that damned fish!

(She has now reached the window of the room. We realise – as she looks down at the earth – that she is in a spaceship. We move to the EXT of the ship, watching as it enters the earths atmosphere in a none too smooth fashion)

Woman: (clearly being shaken to pieces) These recon jobs are the pits! Why does the sample have to live in the middle of nowhere?!

(We continue to watch as the ship flies through a deserted city. It passes by many advertisements, always blocking out a single letter that might lead to accusations of product-placement. We see an "Ony" sign, a "Pepi" sign, and a "Inal Fantasy X" sign as we fly through the city.

Finally, the ship lands, and we watch as the woman steps out, wearing a headset that she appears to have stolen from a member of the Ginyu force. She looks around, consulting a small device attached to her wrist and nods slowly. Before setting off, she turns to the camera and smiles brightly)

Woman: Hi there! My name's Dr Aki Ross, and I'll be your heroine for the rest of the movie. I have very expensive hair, extremely neat gadgets, a dark secret – 

(She stops abruptly as ominous music plays suddenly in the background. She frowns and looks around for a moment, before shrugging and continuing)

Aki: - I'm also a sucker for a pretty face, and I don't appear to have any common sense whatsoever. Clear?

Audience: Yup.

Lone heckler: I hate you already!

(Aki ignores the heckler and begins to follow the bleeping on her wrist. It's obvious that she's looking for something, but the darkness around her does not appear to be helping. Every time she enters a new area, she lets a flare into the air, watching it as it explodes in lots of pretty sparks)

Aki: Oooh… So pretty…

(Still she continues)

Aki: Heeere, little sample. I got a biccie for yooou…

(She finally enters a smallish courtyard, and pauses. For some strange reason, she does not notice the large translucent shapes behind her; the darkness helping to hide their utterly hideous fo - )

Phantom 1: Hey! You can't treat us like that!

Phantom 2: Yeah! We translucent beings –

Phantom 1: Or "Phantoms" as we prefer to be called!

Phantom 2: - have feelings too, y'know!!

Phi: (appears from nowhere) I was only setting the scene – trying to give this some sense of atmosphere! Didn't realise you Phantoms were all so prissy… (disappears)

Phantom 1: HEY!!

(As I was saying; the darkness helping to hide their utterly hideous forms. They edge ever closer to our heroine, who is blissfully aware of their presence. The Phantoms are almost on top of her when suddenly, a loud battle cry erupts from somewhere above Aki. She looks up to see four heavily armoured soldiers, apparently falling from the sky.)

Aki: It's raining soldiers. Hallelujah!

(About 100 feet from making very close friends with the pavement, the four soldiers all shoot off a few rounds of what looks like green jello. Three of the soldiers manage to land in the jello, thereby averting certain pain. The fourth, however, misses the jello and slams hard into the ground)

Soldier 1: (panicky) OHMYGOD!! They killed the Captain!

Soldier 2: You bastards!

Soldier 3: As second in command, I must take the lead, with a heavy heart and a…

Soldier 4: (somehow manages to peel himself off the sidewalk) It's alright! I-I'm ok! (staggers towards the others soldiers, obviously very dazed) See? No harm done. (he falls over)

(Aki is desperately trying to suppress a giggle as soldier 4 again picks himself up, and stumbles over to her)

Soldier 4: What are you doing here? It's very dangerous, miss. I'm going to have to ask you to come along quietly, or else…

Aki: Not today!

(She grins evilly and kicks soldier 4 in the balls. Hard.)

Soldier1, 3 and every male within earshot: Aiiiiiie!

(Soldier 4 collapses in a heap. Aki grins evilly and scampers off)

Soldier 4: (obviously in extreme pain) After… her…

(Aki continues to run, until she comes up against a dead end. Soldier 2 is following her, gun drawn)

Soldier 2: C'mere, little scientist… I got some lead for yooou…

(Aki looks around desperately, and spies a handily placed ironing board. After raising an eyebrow, she grabs it and whacks soldier 2 around the head. Soldier 2 goes down, leaving Aki free to run. However, not long after, she is trapped down another dead end by soldier 1)

Soldier 1: You're so not going nowhere! (pauses) Not going nowhere? Now that's a double negative… Not good…

(As soldier 1 mutters to himself about his lack of grammar, Aki finds a convenient-looking rake, and places it just at soldier 1s feet. Then…)

Aki: Boo! (runs off)

(Soldier 1 gives chase, but does not notice the rake at his feet. He takes one step forwards and gets a faceful of rake handle.

Aki continues to run, and only manages to see the open cellar hatch in time. She steps around it, and sprints in the direction that her wrist device is indicating. Soldier 3 does not see the hatch as he pursues Aki, and falls seven floors in a flurry of armour and family-unfriendly curses.

Finally, Aki reaches her destination, and finds her sample)

Aki: There you are. Do you realise the trouble I've had to go through to find you?

(She readies to take the sample – a small chibi of a young man with shockingly spiky blonde hair, a scowl and the largest sword you ever saw. Just as she is ready to leave, a loud shout echoes through the yard)

Soldier 4: That is IT!

(The four soldiers stagger into the yard, all holding each other up, with sticking plasters over various parts of their armour)

Soldier 1: Let me shoot her! For the love of GOD, let me shoot her!

Soldier 2: Back down, you male pussy! I'm gonna shoot her!

Soldier 3: As second in command, I will be the one who shoots her.

Soldier 4: (still slightly squeaky) Stand down. No-one's going to shoot her…

(There is a long pause)

Soldier 4: Except me!

(The four soldiers begin to fight over who will kill Aki. Meanwhile, our heroine has finished collecting her sample, and is trying to find some means of escaping. She peers up a long staircase that leads to the roof. Soldier 1 spots her as he tries to escape the headlock that soldier 2 has him in)

Soldier 1: She's trying to escape!

Aki: No I'm not.

Soldier 1: Ah…

(There is another long pause)

Soldier 4: Uhm. Why the hell not?

(Aki is about to explain that the rest of the movie will have no point whatsoever unless she goes with them, but an unholy scream pierces the silence. The five whirl around to see gruesome Phantoms - )

Phantom 1: We're warning you!

Phi: (V.O.): And just what are you going to do about it?

( - Gruesome Phantoms apparating through the wall)

Soldier 3: As second in command, I think we're being surrounded.

Soldier 2: (sarcastic) Oh really? Did they make you second in command for your powers of deduction?

Soldier 3: No. They made me second in command because you're too much of a psycho for the job.

(Soldier 2 is about to retort, but a loud crash of a few falling pieces of brick startles her)

Soldier 2: Phantoms!! (screams a battle cry and shoots an innocent wall to pieces)

Soldier 1: (dryly) Wow. Jumpy today, aren't we?

Soldier 2: Shut the hell up.

Soldier 4: Less arguing. More gratuitous violence!

(The four soldiers continue to shoot innocent walls, whilst Aki peers up the staircase again. Content that she's found a decent escape route, she taps soldier 4 on the shoulder)

Soldier 4: (stressed) What?!

Aki: I just thought that maybe we should be trying to escape, rather than decimating the masonry.

(All four soldiers look at Aki as though her idea is wholly original and groundbreaking)

Soldier 4: Good plan! (strikes a stupid pose) To the roof!

(They head to the roof, soldier 4 in the rear. Still dazed from earlier incidents, he trips as he climbs the stairs; dropping his gun. The translucent form of a Phantom's slimy hand appears through the stair…)

Phantom 1: Slimy?! We are so NOT slim…

(Moving quickly along. The hand passes through soldier 4s ankle, but he doesn't notice. Instead, he flails around, failing miserably in his attempt to climb up the final stair)

Soldier 2: (crouching down) Grab my hand, sir!

Soldier 1: We'll get you out of there, Captain!

Soldier 3: As second in command, it is my personal opinion that we should leave him and try to escape while we still can…

(Everyone stops what they are doing and turn to stare incredulously at soldier 3)

Soldier 3: What? Am I not allowed to have a little ambition?

Soldier 2: You're an idiot.

(They finally pull soldier 4 to the top of the stairs, just in time. The horde of Phantoms are following. Soldiers 1, 2 and 3 all shoot wildly, whilst soldier 4 bravely cowers behind Aki. Even though they are having entire clips of bullets fired at them, the Phantoms seem strangely unharmed)

Soldier 4: (into the comm-link on his wrist) Might be a good time to get us out of here!

(There is nothing but static. A Phantom lunges forwards, but is shot back)

Soldier 4: (really panicky) Now, please!

Soldier 2: Almost out of ammo.

Soldier 1: Same here.

Soldier 2: We don't want to hear about your problems. Especially not ones that concern your "ammo"…

Soldier 1: Hey! That's not my fault. It's genetic, and I just have a very stressful life…

Soldier 2: Stressful? What's stressful about this?

Soldier 4: (angrily) Could you two shut up for three seconds so we can die in peace?!

Soldier 1 and 2: Hell no!

(The Phantoms have almost broken through the hail of fire. At the last possible second, a rope appears from above. We look up to see a ship hovering above the soldiers. Everyone grabs hold of the rope, and they are hauled to safety)

Soldier 1: (to the Phantoms) Seeya, suckers!

(The Phantoms can only watch – shaking their grotesque fists at - )

Phantom 1: That is IT! We won't stand for this anymore. I'm going to my trailer, and you - (points at the author) - will hear from my agent in the morning!

(Phantom 1 storms off set. No-one cares)

Phantom 1 (V.O.): Hey!

(We move to the INT of the rescuing ship. Aki sets her sample down carefully on a spare seat, and turns to look curiously at the armoured soldiers)

Aki: Boy. Those suits must stink after a hard day's work, huh?

(The soldiers ignore her. Soldier 1 is the first to remove his helmet, and grin happily at the camera)

Soldier 1: Hey there! I'm Neil Fleming, and I'm the technogeek! Not only do I have the best lines, and the best voice…

(Everyone snarls at him. We all know that General Hein has a better voice…)

Neil: … but I also have a secret crush on one of my fellow soldiers.

(Neil giggles. Soldiers 3 and 4 edge away slightly, while soldier 2 shakes her head. She then removes her helmet and attempts to smile at the camera. It's less of a smile, and more like a pissed off grimace really)

Soldier 2: I'm Jane Proudfoot and I'm the "woman in a man's world" character. I have a better voice and better lines than him. I just choose not to use them.

(She jerks a thumb in Neil's direction. Neil blows Jane a kiss. Jane punches Neil in the face)

Neil: (clutching his nose) Just a lovetap… Ouch…

(Soldier 3 ignores Jane and Neil, removes his helmet and stares gravely at the camera)

Soldier 3: Hello. I am Ryan Whittaker, and I am second in command.

Everyone: We know!

Ryan: Just checking. I'm the ethnic minority character…

Final Fantasy Fans in the audience: It's Barrett! Minus his gunarm!

Ryan: (puts his head into his hands) It's going to be one of those movies…

(Aki looks at soldier 4, who appears to be nursing his sore head)

Aki: What about you? What kind of stereotype are you?

Soldier 4: I'm not a stereotype! None of us are!

(We look across the four soldiers. Neil is fiddling with a computer chip, Jane is sharpening her knife and Ryan is listening to hip-hop)

Aki: (sarcastic) Course not.

Soldier 4: You're a very naughty girl. Wandering around New York at this time of night without a big, strong guy to keep you company! You could have been hurt! Or killed! Or ritualistically raped with a cactus!

(Everyone stares at him)

Aki: (frowning) I only know one person who would say something that stupid…

Jane: Wow. Met the Captain before have you?

Aki: Gray?

(Soldier 4 removes his helmet)

Gray: Yup. (turns to the camera and gives us a winning smile) Hi there! I'm Captain Gray Edwards, and I'm the main male character! I'm Aki's love interest for the remainder of the film. (lowers his voice to a conspiratorial whisper) We already had a thing, but we won't hear about that until much later… Don't you all just love my handsome good looks, and vivacious personality already?

(There is utter silence, apart from the chirping of the occasional cricket)

Gray: (unamused) Great.

(He shakes his head, but soon recovers)

Gray: So now you know who we are. And together, we make up…

(All four soldiers strike painfully cheesy poses)

All four: The Shallow Teeth!

(There is more silence, except for Aki's hysterical laughter)

Neil: I knew our name sucked…

Jane: … We wanted a new one…

Ryan: … But the Captain had to get on the wrong side of the author, didn't he?

Gray: It's not my fault we have a crappy name. Blame the butche… I mean, author…

(All the characters gaze uneasily up at the author, swallowing slowly) 

Gray: (recovers first) What the hell were you doing out there, Aki? It's far too dangerous!

Aki: (more interested in her nails) I didn't ask for your help.

Gray: But you used to rely on me so much! We used to be so close! (drops to his knees and clasps his hands together in a gesture of pleading patheticness) Take me back, Aki! Please!

Aki: (raising an eyebrow) _Now I remember why I dumped you…_

(Neil, meanwhile, has been eyeing the sample suspiciously. When it growls and leaps forwards, poking him in the nose with its sword, he jumps back and frowns)

Neil: What the hell is that, and why did we have to risk our necks for it? (pauses for a moment, rubbing his sore nose) And why did it poke me?

Aki: I imagine it poked you because you smell… (continues before Neil can argue) I can't tell you what it is exactly. All I can say is that it will help us destroy the Phantoms… (long, dramatic pause) Once and for all…

(Dark, ominous music rumbles in the background, causing everyone to look around and blink)

Aki: Am I being followed by a Strings section or something?

Jane: You been messing with the speakers again, Neil?

Neil: (picture of innocence) Moi?

Jane: I don't see any other half-brained idiots here…

(She eyes Gray for a moment. The Captain is on his knees at Aki's feet, trying to reason sorrowfully with her as she ignores him)

Jane: Then again…

Gray: (still on his knees, but dropping the sorrowful tone for the moment) This sample had better be worth the risk, Aki.

Aki: Or what?

Gray: (opens mouth as if to retort, but can't think of anything) Or… Or I'll uhm… Hate you forever! (sticks his tongue out childishly)

Jane: (dryly) Way to tell her, oh wise leader of ours.

Gray: Just shut up.

(EXT: Barrier City #42 – New New York

We watch the ship as it lands, somewhat awkwardly, dropping the final few feet. We hear a chorus of "Ows" from the Shallow Teeth, along with a few overly colourful curses aimed at the pilot.

Finally, Aki and the Shallow Teeth reach the scanning station)

Neil: Honestly! I saw this little green pile of goop crawl out of the scanners! These things are dangerous, Captain! Dan-ger-ous!

Jane: I thought you were a genius.

Neil: (proudly) I am.

Jane: Then why can't you spell "dangerous" properly?

(Neil opens his mouth to retort, but Jane has already stepped past him and into the scanner)

Neil: You'll be sorry!

Jane: Why? You gonna come onto me again? Get a girlfriend.

Neil: I'm trying, but you keep blowing me off!

Phi: (appearing from nowhere) Wow. Lookit at the sexual tension. No wonder there are so many Jane+Neil fics out there.

Jane: (horrified) There are?!

Neil: (grinning) There are?!

Phi: Yup. I don't write them myself, but I know a few people who do…

Aki: (looking at her nails again) You don't have time to write Jane+Neil, do you? You only pick on General Hein and try to pair him up with me…

Hein: (faint, V.O.) What?!

Phi: I have my reasons for doing that… (coughs nervously and disappears)

Gray: (trying to ignore the intrusion of the author) C'mon, Neil. You're next. And you're going in too, Aki.

Aki: (pouts) But it messes up my complexion!

Gray: (shrugs) It'll eventually make me impotent. Do I complain?

(Neil is currently in the scanners, and an expression of sheer terror crosses his face)

Neil: IMPOTENT?! Let me out!!

Aki: But I'm allowed to bypass the scanners. The script says so.

Gray: Do _I care what the script says? I saved you, so you do what I say._

(He nods firmly and steps into the scanners. A few seconds pass by before the machine lets out a low hum)

Scanner: (delighted that it has lines) Bleep! Bleep!

Gray: (carefully) "Bleep! Bleep!" Just what the hell does that mean?

Controller: An infestation!

Neil and Jane: (together) No!

Ryan: (somewhat sarcastic) Whatever will we do?

Aki: (in full "I'm a doctor, get out of my way" mode now) How far along is he?

Controller: He'll be Code Red in three minutes! Dispensing treatment shield.

(A big, mean-looking needle approaches Gray. His eyes widen)

Gray: Holy cows of Texas! You are _not sticking that damned thing in m…_

(The needle plunges savagely into his neck)

Gray: OW!! Owowowowowowowowowowowow!!

Aki: (rolls her eyes) Quit whining. I'm going to show some technical know-how now and save your life. (looks around and spies a cot in the adjoining room) We're going to operate on him. (a dramatic pause) Right now.

(There is more dramatic music in the back ground. Aki's brow furrows)

Aki: I'm gonna have to see my agent about this music…

Controller: We have to take him to the ward! He'll be Code Red in a minute and a half! We won't be able to stop the fragments from spreading! (panicked, and obviously over-acting) YOU'LL KILL US ALL, WOMAN!!

Aki: (stares at him for a moment, before shrugging) I know. But it'll make a cool set-piece.

(Everyone slaps their foreheads with their hands. At that moment, Gray faints and is helped to the cot by Jane and Neil. Ryan follows afterwards, trying to hide his gun behind his back)

Ryan: I _will be Captain…_

(Aki moves to the controls of a cool-looking machine. She twiddles a few knobs and pushes a few buttons as Gray is placed onto the cot)

Aki: Quick! If I can't stabilise the foreign shard, we may have to use plasmographic fusion to stop the anti-diuretic effects from taking control of his neural net!

(Everyone stares at her blankly)

Neil: What?

Jane: In English, please!

Aki: (unamused) Just stand the hell back…

(She taps a few more buttons on the console before her, and a holographic screen appears before her – floating over Gray's unconscious body. It shows an overly large Pac-man screen, with Pac-man labelled as "Phantom-killer" and the ghosts labelled as "Phantom scum")

Jane: (sarcastically) Oh, the technology…

(Aki ignores her and deftly manoeuvres the Pac-man around the maze of Gray's body, gobbling up all the sweets as she goes. Within moments, she has taken out three of the four ghosts, but one still remains. Suddenly!)

Aki: Agh! My ghost-gobbly-up thing ran out!

(The only other sweet is on the other side of the screen, and the lone ghost is edging ever closer to it. Everyone chooses this moment to distract Aki and shout hints all at the same time)

Neil: Go up!

Jane: Go left!

Controller: Go right!

Scanner: Bleep!

Ryan: Don't play at all!

Aki: (irritable) Just let _me play!_

(Showing remarkable skill for one so ditzy, Aki grabs the final sweet, and takes out the last ghost; all just in the nick of time. Phew. Isn't that lucky?)

Aki: Thank the God of Plot-Devices!

(Gray stirs slightly, opening one eye)

Gray: Awful dream… Pac-man… Ghosts…

(The Shallow Teeth gather around their leader)

Neil: Wow. Thanks, Doc.

Jane: Ditto what he said.

Ryan: (somewhat subdued) Yeah… Thanks…

Voice: (V.O.) Not again. Can't I let you go anywhere without you saving the life of a potential romantic lead?

Aki: (sighs) I know you have a "Don't save the cute ones" policy, Dr Sid, but…

Sid: No buts, Aki. (turns to the camera and shoots us a pleasant smile) Hi there. I'm Dr Sid…

FF fans in audience: Cid?

Sid: No, not that Cid. Sid. With an "S". I've been Americanised.

FF fans in audience: Americanised!? Blasphemy!! (start to moan about why a FF stalwart has had his name changed)

Phi: (appears) Eesh. I knew this would cause trouble. (Invokes her Godly Author Power and points to Sid) You're now Cid. With a "C". Got it?

Cid: (nods) Uh… ok.

Phi: (to FF fans) Happy now?

(The FF fans all nod as one and settle down)

Phi: Glad we sorted that one out. (disappears again)

Cid: (looks a little disturbed as to his change in name) I uh… I'm Dr Cid. With a "C" now. I'm Aki's mentor, a top scientist and I look pretty damned real.

Gray: Hey! We all look pretty real too!

Cid: (dryly) You, my friend, look like Ben Affleck's CG twin. Now, come along, Aki. We have work to do on that sample.

Aki: I want to stay here.

Cid: (firmly) Come now, or no lollipop for you.

Aki: (silent for a moment) Strawberry lollipop?

Cid: Of course.

(Gray et al watch in silent amazement as Aki gives a little cheer and bounds off, followed by Cid – who is rolling his eyes)

Cid: Young people…

Ryan: What's with her?

Jane: What's with her and that sample?

Neil: What's with her and that stupid lollipop?

Gray: What's with her and that Cid guy? What does she see in him?!

(The Shallow Teeth stare at him)

Gray: What? I wanna know why she left me for him!

(INT: Cids lab

Cid and Aki are watching tests being run on the newest sample. The sample is running through a miniature assault course, thwacking everything with its sword. Cid nods with approval as Aki – a red lollipop sticking out of her mouth – walks to join him)

Cid: This is excellent, Aki. The sixth Spirit. It's a perfect match.

Aki: I thought we weren't supposed to use the "S" word…

Cid: (puzzled) What? Sixth?

Aki: (rolls eyes) You know exactly what I mean. But it's nice to know that my wandering around Old New York wasn't totally in vain.

Cid: Indeed it wasn't. We only have two more Spirits to find. Two more… (he sighs quietly, the smile on his face fading somewhat)

Aki: (slurps on the lollipop as she sits next to him) What's wrong, Cid? Like you say, we only have two more to find, and then everything will be complete.

Cid: But will we last that long? You know the Council has had it in for us ever since we played that Halloween practical joke on them.

Aki: But their faces when they found those farmyard animals!

(They both burst into childish laughter)

Cid: (wiping a tear from his eye) Well, they didn't find it quite as funny.

(He reaches into a drawer and pulls out a book, which he then hands to Aki)

Aki: What's this?

Cid: Read.

Aki: (reads silently for a moment, before her eyes widen) "Major Elliot, I can't wait to be with you again, feeling your warm hands wrap around my waist…"

(Cid pales and rips the book from her hands, dumping it into the incinerator beside him. He coughs nervously as he searches through the drawer again, this time pulling out another book and checking it before handing it to her)

Cid: Other one… Just nonsense… (nervous cough) Read that one.

Aki: (gives him a dubious glance and edges away a step before reading) "All life is born from Square and each life has a Spirit. Each new Spirit is housed in a physical body…" Why am I reading this? The other one was more interesting…

Cid: Just keep reading.

Aki: "Through their experiences on Earth, each Spirit matures and grows, developing a taste for computer games as it does. When the physical body dies, the mature Spirit, enriched by its diet of Crash Bandicoot and Tomb Raider returns to Square, bringing with it the experiences, allowing Square to live and grow and make much better games…"

Cid: My old diary.

Aki: You write that kind of crap in your _diary?!_

Cid: (ignoring her as he grabs the book and dumps it in the incinerator as well) Just the evidence the Council needs to shut us down. They think we're crazy. You know they're just looking for a reason to stop us.

Aki: Ungrateful sonsof… Without you and your theories, we'd all be dead!

Cid: I know. I'm so unappreciated. The point is, Aki, that you have to hide everything; just in case something can be used against us.

Aki: Aw… I was gonna go in for the Nobel Prize this year…

(She sighs and begins to leave the lab, but Cid stops her by coughing impishly)

Cid: And, Aki? Stay away from Captain Edwards.

Aki: I had no real desire to see the lughead again.

Cid: Oh. Right. Everything's fine then.

(There is a long silence between them)

Aki: I'll… Just be off then… (coughs nervously and leaves the lab)

(EXT: The barren plain of Aki's dream

Aki is stood watching the bright sunshine again, shielding her eyes with one hand. There is the explosion in the distance, and then more; much closer to her. She frowns slightly, trying to find the source of the destruction. All she can see is something like a wave of creatures running towards her from the horizon. They are getting closer, and closer, but then…)

Alarm clock: BEEP!

Aki: (sits up suddenly, clasping her heart) Agh! (glares at the alarm clock) Why you little…

(We fade to black as there are sounds of a very annoyed scientist beating the crap out of her alarm clock)


	2. Chapter 2 - The Council, the Chibis and ...

Author note: Whoo! Part two! I decided to stop just before the Tucson Wasteland bit, cause that parts gonna be fun, and this whole thing would be far too long if I put it in with this part.

Well, same rules apply. I don't own the Final Fantasy characters. (If anyone from Square is reading this, _please let me have Kefka and Auron? Plllllllleeeeaaaassssee?) I also don't own Dr Frank N Furter from the Rocky Horror Picture Show, or Mills and Boon books. (For anyone who doesn't know, Mills and Boon books are the kinda thing that a middle aged, repressed housewife reads. Full of sex between beautiful people, and not much else) Don't sue me. Student I am. Money I have not._

Enjoy, kids! Reviews always welcome, in return for those luscious cookies I supply! If you don't review… Well, I'll have to put you in a PAL territory (like the fair ol' UK where I live) and you won't be able to play FF games until the rest of the world has had them for months!! Muaaaah hah!!! (So, I'm annoyed about the lack of FFX in this country… So what? *eye twitches*)

(INT: The Council meeting room

Cid and Aki are sat at one table of the room, facing the Council members. Aki has another lollipop in her mouth, and is staring into space – obviously not paying attention – as a soldier talks in the centre of the room)

Soldier: Members of the Council…

(There is a thud offscreen as Phi faints)

Soldier: (muttering to himself) What the hell did I do to deserve this…? (shakes head and looks up again) Can someone explain to me why Zeus was completed a month ago and still, it has not been used? We all know that it is our best means of destroying the Phantoms once and for all.

Counciller #1: General Hein, calm down. You know perfectly well that whining does nothing to help speed a decision along.

Hein: (scowling as he points to Aki) It helps her. (puts on his trademark scowl and stares moodily at the camera) I'm General Hein; hater of scientists and lover of all things that go "boom" (to himself) I can't believe I just said that…

(Hee hee. I made Hein say what I wanted him to!)

Counciller #1: Before we can even start to make a decision about Zeus, I want to consult Dr Cid, the Head of the Bioetheric division.

Cid: Thank you.

(Hein sits down grudgingly, shaking his head as Cid stands up and addresses the Council)

Cid: As everyone knows, the source of the Phantoms is the Leonid meteor that landed here 30 or so years ago. For each one of those thirty years, we have launched attacks on the meteor and every one has failed. If we use the Zeus cannon, I fear it will do more harm than good.

Counciller #2: What do you mean, doctor?

Cid: Well, whenever the meteor is attacked, the Phantoms on the outside are indeed, destroyed…

Hein: See? Even the old coot agrees with me!

Cid: … But. More Phantoms are released from the meteor, and they react by digging further into the Earth.

Counciller #2: Like a mole of some sort? Moles are easy to deal with, just lay some explosive, and it's mole pie for dinner, just like mom used to make.

Cid: Uhh… yeah. Kind of… (raises an eyebrow) If we use the Zeus cannon, then it may result in an injury to the Earth itself…

(He coughs loudly, but he can clearly be heard saying the word "Square" as he does so)

Counciller #1: (unamused) You mean the Square; the Spirit of the Planet?

Cid: Am I that obvious?

(Everyone nods as one)

Cid: Oh… Well, yes. I mean the Square.

Hein: (shaking his head and standing up) Why, oh why, does this Council sit there and listen to this crap? If you had listened to my ideas on punishment for the crazy, we could have had him decapitated by now…

Counciller #1: If we'd listened to you on half the ideas you have, General, there wouldn't be much of a human population left.

Hein: So?

Counciller #1: (uneasily; trying not to look at Hein) Dr Cid, you know the Square theory has not been proven, and even if it had been, how would it be able to help us destroy the Phantoms?

Cid: I have a solution that would not only enable us to kill the Phantoms, but also to prevent hurting the Square.

Hein: Bullshit!

Counciller #2: Where I echo the General's sentiments, we must allow the crazy old foo… I mean, doctor to speak…

(Cid nods and launches into a complicated speech that sounds strangely stolen from the plotline of Final Fantasy VII)

FF fans in audience: Heeeey! It's the Lifestream! Sort of…

Cid: Shhh! I don't want anyone to figure that out!

(There is little chance of that happening. Everyone else is asleep)

Cid: Oops. Rambled on a little too long, I think. Uh… Everyone? Wake up now! (nothing stirs) I… uh… Anyone awake? (looks towards the author) Little help here?

Phi: (V.O.) Zzzzz… Zzzzz…

Cid: (unamused) Grrreat… (reaches under the table, muttering about his contract and how none of the other Cids were treated this badly) Even Cid from VI got treated well, and _he was a __bad guy… Sort of…_

(He finally finds what he's looking for – a paperback Mills & Boon book – and lets out an exasperated sigh as he sits down)

Cid: If these people had better attention spans… (he coughs loudly and then begins to read) "Jessica let out a silky gasp of delight as Curt's strong hands moved over her soft skin…"

(People are starting to stir slightly, but no-one is awake yet. Cid continues to read loudly)

Cid: "Soon, she was lay beneath him, her hands wrapped in his as their lips met in an electrifying kiss…" Who writes this crap? Fascinating material in parts though…

(Finally, some people are awake, but Cid is still reading, though more to himself now)

Cid: (giggling naughtily between words) "Man-pole"… Totally unscientific… "Heaving… Passionate… Slightly sticky…"

(Everyone is now awake, but Cid is still reading to himself, giggling like an idiot)

Phi: (appears) Dr Cid!

Cid: Phi!

Aki: Dr Cid!

Cid: Aki!

Dr Frank N Furter: (appearing from nowhere) Dougy!!

Hein: What?! (scowls) Why are you picking on me _this time?_

Phi: Dr Cid!

Cid: Phi!

Aki: Dr Cid!

Cid: Aki!

Frank: Dougy!

(Hein rolls his eyes)

Phi: Dr Cid!

Cid: Phi!

Aki: Dr Cid!

Cid: Aki!

Frank: Dougy!

(This all goes on for a while, until the author gets tired of the blatant reference, and decides to continue)

Phi: I can't believe you were reading such drivel in one of _my fics!_

Cid: Everyone was asleep!

Phi: (grabs the book) Ever heard of an _alarm clock?!_

Cid: Aki broke mine this morning. She just borrowed it cause hers wasn't working properly, and she smashed it to pieces with a hammer!

Phi: (ignores him, shakes her head and mutters) Scientist my ass… (to Hein as she holds out the book) Dispose of this.

Hein: (doesn't move) Do I look like your slave?

Phi: (evilly) Not yet, but it can be arranged…

Hein: (pales more so than usual and snatches the book) Fine… (hands the book to Major Elliot) Dispose of this.

(Elliot nods, takes the book and makes like he's going to throw it away. Instead, he hides it inside his tunic and giggles. He then turns to the camera and grins ever so eagerly)

Elliot: Hi! I'm Major Elliot! I don't get much screen time, and I don't get that many lines either, but the author's feeling sorry for me and let me have this intro thingy!

Hein: (dangerously) Elliot?

Elliot: (eager) Yes, sir?

Hein: Shut up.

Phi: Now then, maybe we can all get back to the story? (disappears)

Aki: I thought being on track with the story was _her job…_

Counciller #1: (shakes head at the intrusion of the author, and gestures to Cid) Please, doctor. If you would explain your method?

(Cid nods and pushes a button on the panel before him. A holographic picture appears, showing two wave patterns)

Cid: As you know, the Phantoms give off a distinct energy pattern. It is a fact that two opposing bioetheric waves, when placed one over the other, will cancel each other out…

(He looks up, and scowls. No-one is paying attention. All the Council members are playing poker; Aki is building a house out of cards; Elliot is reading his newly acquired book and Hein is making a list of everyone he's going to blow up once he gets his hands on Zeus. Cid watches them all for a moment, slowly turning a disturbing shade of purple…)

Cid: HEY!

(Everyone turns to stare blankly at him)

Cid: What the %&*£ing $?@# are you all doing?!

Aki: (gasps) Uh-oh… Everyone stand back. He's having a COCA…

Hein: What in hell is a "COCA"?

Aki: (gravely) A CrossOver Cid Attack…

(The dramatic music reappears as everyone gasps, causing Aki to look under her chair)

Aki: It's got to be following me somehow…

Cid: I £$%@ing slave away to get you all some @#&%^ing help, and you all repay me by £$%?#ing $%&* and…

(His voice changes pitch slightly, to a higher, more frantic tone)

Cid: … by blowing up my lab! Those espers are hard to catch and take care of! Why can't you see that…

(His voice changes again, so that he's almost sobbing)

Cid: … I can't do it anymore! If I have to chase after Edea one more time, then I might just have a nervous breakdown! I don't want to tell the SeeD to…

(Voice changes to something unhuman)

Cid: … gwok!

(Finally, his voice reverts to its normal pitch)

Cid: … shove that seventh Spirit up your ass!!

(Cid hyperventilates. Everyone else sits in shocked, stunned silence)

Hein: (dryly) Finished?

(He flinches as the author thwaps him upside the head)

Cid: (as if nothing has happened) It is theoretically possible to construct a wave that opposes the energy pattern given off by the Phantoms. In fact, we almost have one, but it won't be ready until we risk our lives several more times, have a romantic interlude and discover that Hein actually is as psychotic as we all believe.

Hein: What? Hey!

Phi: (V.O.) Quiet, you.

(Hein folds his arms across his chest and begins to sulk. Then, he remembers that he actually has lines here, and can't just look mean and broody)

Hein: Doctor, gathering plants and animals to fight the Phantoms, is utter nonsense. I mean, we might as well give them little baskets full of cupcakes. Why don't we invite them to tea and give them pretty hats and tasty biscuits? And then, when no-one's watching, we bash them repeatedly over the head with the shovel that we already dug their graves with!! That'll teach them to be murdering, parasitic bastards!!!

(He looks up to see everyone staring at him funny. His eyes narrow)

Hein: Bunch of touchy-feely nonsense. You don't even have any evidence that this "energy wave" will even work. (under his breath) Idiots…

Aki: There is proof! We have constructed a wave that has stopped Phantom particles from spreading through a really ill patient.

Counciller #2: What? You actually managed to do something useful and found a cure?!

Aki: Well… Not as such. But we do have evidence that our wave works.

Hein: (sneering) Yeah, really. Where? Under your chair? With that string section that's been following you the whole movie? Maybe it's hidden in that lollipop!

Aki: Nu-uh. It's here, in this chest plate that no-one realised I had.

(Our heroine pushes a button on said chest plate, and a huge hologram appears, floating over everyone's head. Hein gapes at it, stepping backwards and falling over Elliot, who had decided to read his book while sat on the floor)

Hein: ELLIOT!

Elliot: (small voice) Sorry, sir…

(Hein – and everyone else – looks back up at the Phantom hologram. The Phantom grins and waves to everyone)

Phantom: I may be a parasite, but can't we all just get along?

(Judging by the look on everyone faces, no)

Cid: You're a $%&*ing idiot, y'know that? You might have bought us time, but I wonder at what cost…

Aki: (shrugging) Hein's probably gonna try to kill us…

Hein: Hey!

Aki: Tell me it's not true.

Hein: ….

(INT: I'm not really sure. Lets just say we're at still in New New York. Yeah…

Gray and Aki are in what looks like some kind of crane. Aki is fiddling with some pieces of machinery like she actually knows what it does, and Gray is watching her – trying not to make it blatently obvious that he's staring at her butt)

Aki: Are you gonna stare at me like that _all day, or are you gonna tell me why you're here?_

Gray: Huh? Oh, sorry. (smiles innocently. The fangirls in the audience swoon and faint)

Fan girls in audience: He's soooo handsome!

Aki: All style, girls. No substance.

Gray: (trying to ignore Aki's comment) You know the Council decided to postpone the firing of Zeus.

Aki: I bet Hein was pleased about that.

Gray: Pleased?! Hell no. He screamed something about "Death to you all" and disappeared. Anyway… (tries to look cute, prompting more swooning from the fan girls) Whatcha doooing?

Aki: (rolls her eyes as if she's had to deal with this before) I'm scanning the city for the seventh spirit. And before you ask, you can't tag along.

(We cut to the outside of the crane. Neil – wearing a balaclava over his head and trying to look inconspicuous – is fiddling with a control panel. Jane is watching for guards, and almost shoots Ryan as he arrives)

Ryan: What're you doing, Neil?

Neil: Sssh! I'm trying to concentrate! And I'm not Neil!

Jane: Yeah. We don't wanna get caught as we strand the Captain and that scientist lady for a while. So I'm Black Hawk, and he's Purple Daisy.

(Ryan raises an eyebrow)

Neil: That's what happens when you let the girl pick the names.

Jane: C'mon, are you done yet?

Ryan: (thoughtfully) Do you have to strand them? Can't you just let them plummet to a painless death?

(Jane and Neil both stare at him)

Jane: Shut up.

Neil: Alright, it's done!

(Back up to Aki and Gray. The crane they're in stops suddenly, prompting a squeal of fear from Gray)

Gray: It stopped! Are we...? Are we gonna fall? I-I'm too young and pretty to die!! (grabs Aki) Help me! I don't want to be crushed into a pulp!

Aki: (unamused) It's just a glitch. Get off me, you poor excuse for a man… Don't make me even madder at you…

Gray: You're mad at me?

Aki: Well, that whole nonsense about me getting raped by a cactus, and you not taking off your helmet. You're a child, Gray! You're a seventy five year old child!

(Gray gasps. In the audience, a fan girl faints)

Gray: You told!! You promised you wouldn't tell!

(More fan girls faint)

Gray: And besides, you're not so adult yourself! Leaving so suddenly without even saying goodbye! You took the keys to our house! I was stuck outside for THREE DAYS until Jane came and rescued me!

Aki: Well, you know why I disappeared so suddenly. My operation had to be done in zero grav, so I was taken to the Zeus station.

Gray: Wha'? But I was posted there.

(Aki is trying to look innocent)

Gray: You knew?! And you didn't try to see me?

Aki: Well, duh! I was probably collecting spirit waves and trying to save the planet…

Gray: Screw the planet! What about me and my needs?!

Aki: Well, I'm sorry!

Gray: I'm sorry too!

Aki: Well, we're both sorry, so just shut up now!

(They both turn away from each other, sulking. There is a dark silence between them for at least half a minute)

Gray: (muttering) I'm more sorry than you are…

Aki: Just… do something useful or shut up!

Gray: (sighs) So… You gonna tell me about them?

Aki: About what?

Gray: (sarcastic) About the wild flings of passion between you and that Dr Cid guy.

(He is too busy ranting to notice Aki's wild blush)

Gray: About the spirit waves.

Aki: Oh, the waves. Uhm, sure… Well, when I was infected by Jerry…

Gray: Jerry?

Aki: My Phantom… Well, Dr Cid put a membrane around the infection to stop it spreading. So, I became spirit number one. The second was a blonde chibi called Tidus that we found in an old dustbin.

Gray: Blonde… chibi called Tidus?

Aki: The third was a chibi with really long hair called Tifa I found hanging around in a bar mixing drinks for the patrons. The fourth was a hyperactive child-like chibi called Zidane. Ever tried to track a hyperactive chibi from space? What am I saying, you'd probably love that…

Gray: You're right, I probably would. But life is not fair, and that's why I'm not you!

Aki: Riiight… But then, there was the blonde chibi we picked up from Old New York.

Gray: (counting on his fingers) Did you uh… miss one?

Aki: What?

Gray: You only said five, and there are six, right?

Aki: Oh yeah…

Gray: Whoo! I'm smarter than yooooou! (dances around until Aki punches him)

Aki: The fifth one… Boy, that was a real pain in the ass. It was a chibi moogle I found trying to sneak into the women's bathroom a month or so back. For something so small, and furry, and well…

Gray: (helpfully) Cute? Like me?

Aki: (raises an eyebrow) Yeah. Like you. That moogle sure had a severe case of perverse behaviour… We had to put it down, return it to the Square, before it could hurt someone… It was so sad… (wipes a tear from her eye)

Gray: (hasn't been listening, but suddenly jolts to attention as Phi appears and kicks him) What? Oh, yeah. I'm sorry for you and your loss, Aki…

Aki: Liar. Face it, you don't believe in the Square, and you'd rather be plundering the cafeteria than talking here with me.

Gray: (waggles eyebrows suggestively) Well, we don't have to talk… We could kinda pick up where we left off when you left for Zeus…

(He doesn't get much further with that as Aki shakes her head and stabs a needle into his neck)

Aki: Be quiet and go to sleep…

Gray: Ooooooooooooow… (falls over)

Aki: The joys of being a scientist… Work with machinery, get to travel, have exclusive access to the medical cabinets…

(INT: Hein's office

We close up on Hein as he looks out of his window. Elliot and Gray are also there, both wondering how long this is going to take so they can go and get lunch)

Elliot: Captain Edwards. You rescued a Dr Ross from Old New York a few days ago, did you not?

(Gray nods eagerly, but Elliot isn't finished)

Elliot: Might I add, you also almost killed yourself three times, and pretty much made an idiot of yourself?

(Gray remains silent for a moment)

Gray: We did rescue the Doctor. And we found a McDonalds just outside the base.

(Elliot raises an eyebrow for a moment. Hein, meanwhile, is making a note of where this new McDonalds is)

Elliot: And what were your impressions of the Doctor.

Gray: Well, she was pretty mean, and she was damned obsessed with that sample she had. But her butt, mmm-mmm… I could sit and stare at her butt all day, y'know?

Hein: I hear ya there…

Elliot: Oh yeah…

(All three of them grin stupidly)

Elliot: Well, you and the Shallow Teeth are going to keep on looking after her until you all get tragically kil… I mean, until she's finished finding all her samples…

Gray: Whoo-hoo! More time to try and score with her! (sees the look Elliot is giving him) I mean; yes, sir!

Hein: I don't think you understand just yet, you monkey of a soldier you. Report any weird behaviour in Doctor Ross to the Major immediately.

(Hein turns around, and we see that he's got some very weird stripes along his face. It appears that standing at that window for so long, with the blinds partially down, has given him a rather strange tan. Gray and Elliot struggle to hold in their laughter)

Gray: Weird behaviour, sir? She's always weird. This one time, back when we were going out, she asked me to tie her up…

Hein: Edwards, shut up for one second. Didn't you see anything in the Council meeting? She's got a Phantom inside her! Who knows what kind of freaky nonsense it'll have her doing. She could be under their control, Captain. She could be offering us up to them at this very moment!!

Phi: (V.O.) Lose the melodrama, Dougy. Doesn't suit you.

Gray: Is the General suggesting that the Doctor is a spy?

Hein: The General is wondering why he is explaining himself to the Captain… (looks over at Elliot) And why the Major hasn't thrown away that damned book yet!

Elliot: The uh, Major was bored, sir… (tosses the book over his shoulder)

Hein: Well, now that this is all sorted out, the General wants a coffee… The Major and the Captain are dismissed…

Phi: (appearing from nowhere) The author thinks the readers will be sick and tired of all this "The General" nonsense. And get the author some coffee while you're at it!

(The scene cuts to Aki's dream again. She is still watching the bright sunshine, shielding her eyes from its painful rays. This time though, she can see something approaching, like a great, multi-coloured tidal wave. She raises an eyebrow as the wave continues ever closer. She can see that's made up of a whole zoo full of mysterious creatures, animals and people who don't look very happy)

Aki: What the hexymethadipamide?

(The wave continues until it surrounds her – the creatures scream and cackle and make bad jokes as they run around her. Aki chances a look up, but – not to her total surprise – she wakes up)

Aki: (V.O.) I'm convinced these dreams are some form of communication. Well, it's that, or I'm going crazy. Either way, it can mean only one thing… I need to up my medication…

(There is a sound like a shuffling of pieces of paper and urgent whispering)

Aki: (V.O.) I, uh, mean. It can only mean one thing. The Phantom inside me is winning…

(The dramatic music builds up into a crescendo)

Aki: (V.O.) Ack! Can you get restraining orders on dramatic music?


	3. Chapter 3 - Everything just goes downhil...

Author note: Hurrah! An update! Now we move all the way along to the taking down of the barrier. I may actually have this whole thing finished before I have to go back to uni, so here's hoping!

I apologise to Hein fans for the severe bashing he's getting in this. Though he is my favourite character in the movie, he's just so easy to bash to death! I do love him really. I promise! Though I don't apologise to Gray fans. Muah hah! Plus this seems to be getting a bit self-inserty. I know that really bugs some people, but it kinda seems appropriate at the moment. So, sorry.

Again, I don't own any of the characters, though Hein appears to have taken the position of secondary muse at the moment. I also don't own anything else that I might have ripped off in this (including MGS2, American baseball, Galaxyquest, Return of the Jedi or Thriller) So, I'm sorry. Please don't sue, as my money situation is just stupid at the moment. I have a grand total of about £2 to my name! Being poor kinda blows…

Well, reviews are good. If you give me a review, then there should be a pile of cookies waiting for you. If you don't give me a review, then I may have to poke you in the eye. With a rusty spoon. Bwa hah!

Enjoy!

(INT: The ship as it flies over the Tucson Wasteland

Aki and the Shallow Teeth are sat on one side of the personnel bay in the ship, and three fully armoured soldiers are sat on the other side. Everyone is eyeing everyone else suspiciously. Well, everyone except Gray, who is staring at Aki with a dreamy expression on his face)

Jane: Our target is fifty clicks west of Tucson.

Aki: What kind of a unit of measurement is a "click"? I mean, talk about unscientific.

(Jane shoots Aki a death glare)

Gray: (stops staring) How does the Phantom concentration look?

Jane: Well, if lots of them is good, then it's pretty damned excellent. (eyes the scanner suspiciously) I think they're playing baseball down there…

(We CUT to EXT of the Tucson Wasteland, where a Phantom stadium has been erected. Thousands of Phantoms are sat cheering on the two teams – The Phantom Cardinals and the Phantom Mets. A giant Phantom score screen shows that the Mets are kicking butt)

(Back to the ship, where Jane is blinking)

Jane: I think I need my eyes tested. Or a CAT scan. (blinks some more)

Gray: (waggling his eyebrows suggestively at Aki) Well, you'll have to stick close to me. I'll be able to rescue you if you get into any trouble…

Aki: (dryly) And I'm sure I'll be able to save you if _you get into any trouble._

Ryan: Knowing him, he probably will.

Jane: Too true.

Gray: Hey!

Jane: Deny it if you dare.

(Gray remains silent)

Jane: We'll drop energy buoys here, here and here. It should be enough to keep them off our backs while we search for your little plant or cutesie animal or whatever the hell it is.

Aki: The buoys will attract the Phantoms?

Ryan: (sarcastic) No. We're dropping them cause we've got too much weight on board, and it's either the buoys or you.

Jane: I'd rather keep the buoys…

Aki: Only cause you can't get a date with anything else…

Neil: (from the cockpit) Hey. If you ladies are going to fight, wouldya wait til I'm not flying? Cause this I gotta see.

Ryan: (to the three fully armoured cannon fodder guys) So, you guys are from the 307s, right? Under General Hein? Man, I hope you're not as psychotic as he is. I mean, c'mon. Give the guy a chance and he'd probably kill off mankind.

Cannon Fodder #1: ….

(The three cannon fodder guys are watching Aki. Little does she know that they've got their X-ray specs on under their helmets)

All three: Heh heh heh…

(We move to the EXT of the ship as it lands. Aki, the Shallow Teeth and the three cannon fodder guys all disembark, leaving Neil to pilot)

Neil: I'll come get you later. But I have to fly to Denver and pick up some stuff first.

Jane: Oh, you had better be kidding.

Gray: Just be quiet and come on.

Aki: (is watching the Phantom plain from atop a ridge) Woah… All the pretty colours…

(We see the plain from Aki's POV. Though from a distance the plain looks clear and free of anything, up close you can see a cacophony - )

Gray: Cacophony? The hell does that mean?

Phi: Hey, do _you want to write this? I mean, it's easy enough to make things funny, but I have to keep the readers interested, don't I?_

Gray: They've got me, don't they? I'm interesting enough. (grins smugly)

(Phi growls and leaps for Gray, only to be held back by Jane)

Jane: Strangling him wouldn't make anything any better, would it?

Phi: It'd make me _feel better!_

Gray: (sticks his tongue out at Phi) Nyah! You can't hurt me!

Phi: Oh… We shall see about that… (cackles evilly and disappears)

Aki: What were we doing again?

(The soldiers and Aki stand there for a moment, pondering what their purpose is)

Phi: (V.O.) You were looking at the Phantoms, remember?

Aki: Oh yeah. (turns to look back at the plain)

(Now, as I was saying. Up close you could see a multitude of colours and shapes all shimmering in the bright sunlight. In the far off distance we can just make out the Phantom baseball game. The Mets are still winning, much to the chagrin of the Cardinals fans. Gray joins Aki and stares stupidly out at the plain. We can see the buoys that have been dropped attracting the Phantoms, as a light would do moths)

Phantom #3: (staring at the buoy) It's so pretty…

Phantom #4: No, Larry! Don't do it! Don't look into the light!!

Phantom #3: (being drawn towards the light) I can't help it… It's so beautiful…

Gray: Looks like the beacons are working.

Aki: I'm amazed. Something you suggested actually went right.

(Gray grins smugly for a moment, then realises that what Aki said was an insult and frowns. He turns, ready to complain, but Aki and the others have already moved off)

Aki: The spirit should be somewhere beyond that ridge.

Ryan: You said that three ridges back!

(Everyone turns to stare at him)

Ryan: What? I couldn't help it.

(They all shake their heads and continue, stopping only when a huge lump of bird poop lands on Gray's head)

Gray: What the…? EW!

Phi: (V.O.) Heh heh heh…

Ryan: What is that? (looking upwards)

Jane: (sarcastic) It's a flying whale. (under breath) Idiot…

Gray: It's a bird.

Ryan: Is it a plane?

Aki: We are not getting dragged into that.

Gray: (cocking his gun) Tell me it's not our spirit, so I can shoot it for crapping on me.

Aki: It's not our spirit, but you can't shoot it.

Gray: What? Why not?

Aki: Your hand-eye co-ordination isn't that good.

(Everyone snickers and moves on, leaving Gray to mutter angry curses at the bird. The bird responds by crapping on Gray's head again)

Gray: Stupid bird!

(The party have now come to the edge of a high plateau. Down below, they can see the remains of what would appear to be a massacre. Soldiers lie rotting and decomposed, splayed out all over the - )

Gray: (frowning) That's not very nice. What about kids who are reading this?

Phi: (V.O.) ….

(The group continue, with Aki in the front following the bleeps from her wrist device thingy)

Ryan: How far to the spirit?

Aki: It's hard to tell… (squints at her wrist thingy)

Jane: You haven't got that thing on backwards, have you?

Aki: No. The surface of the planet appears to be backwards, is all…

(Everyone groans. Aki grins evilly)

Aki: I'm just kidding you. It's over there.

Ryan: (sombre all of a sudden) This was the Phantom cleansing mission. It was supposed to end the war. My father's in here somewhere.

Jane: Well, lookit at Mr Angst.

Ryan: Shut up. Just cause you don't have a real reason for joining up.

Jane: Sure I do.

Aki: You mean you were too ugly for prison?

Jane: (eyes narrow, looks up at the sky) Hey, author person. Little help down here would be nice.

Phi: Deal with it, missy. I've already got one troublesome character. I don't need another.

Gray: Who's troublesome?

(He grins charmingly. Fan girls in the audience faint)

Fan girls: So dreamy!

Jane: Where is this damned spirit then?

(Aki is following the beeps on her wrist device thingy, and is stood looking down at the body of a soldier)

Gray: Don't tell me it's him.

Aki: (frowning) It isn't.

Ryan: Then what's going on?

Aki: It's his ovapack.

Gray: That's impossible.

Jane: Why?

Gray: Uhhh… Because I er…

Aki: Gotta love your intelligence, eh, Gray.

Gray: Oh, be quiet. Ryan, get his ovapack.

(Ryan rolls his eyes and reaches down to grab the pack from the soldier. Unfortunately for him – and for anyone with a weak heart in the audience – the corpse of the soldier sits up)

Corpse: (singing) Cause this is Thriiiilller! Thriiiiiller Night…

Ryan: Sonofaholybitch!

Corpse: What the? Oops. Wrong place. I was supposed to wake up for the Thriller video in the DVD. My mistake.

(The corpse lies down again, leaving the party to stare at it incredulously. Ryan is having a nervous breakdown, and matters are not helped when Neil radios in)

Neil: Hey, uh. I'm looking at my radar thing here and there's a whole bunch of red thingys heading towards a couple of green thingys.

Gray: What?!

Neil: I, uh think that we're the green thingys… And the uh, red thingys are Phantoms, maybe? But there's like a whole bunch of 'em and they're moving pretty damned fast.

Cannon fodder #2: Shouldn't we get out of here? I mean, not to complain or anything, but I haven't even been given a real name, and as such I'm a little worried about my chances of survivi – 

(He is cut off as the biggest, meanest Phantom you ever saw creeps up behind him and rips his soul/spirit/whatever that blue thing is out of his chest. The other cannon fodder soldiers sweatdrop)

Cannon fodder #3: I think we should get out of here.

Cannon fodder #1: Same here.

Gray: Hey! I'm in command, so I get to say when we leave. Ryan, get that ovapack.

Ryan: (shakes head) I ain't going near that thing again.

Gray: (rolls eyes) Aie. Alright, Ryan, you take the lead. Jane, you get the ovapack. You two hang in the back to provide a distraction for us. Aki, you leap into my arms dramatically and let me save you.

(Aki has already started running)

Aki: In your dreams!

Gray: Ah, damn.

(Jane and Ryan are shooting the hell out of the oncoming Phantoms, while the two cannon fodder soldiers run ever so bravely in the direction of the ship. Aki is also sprinting towards the ship, with Gray "covering" her)

Aki: Hey, forget what I said about that idea of yours.

Gray: What idea?

Aki: The buoys. They aren't working.

Gray: (sarcastic) Well, thanks ever so much for pointing that out. And here I was thinking that the Phantoms had come to ask for a cup of flour.

(Aki is about to retort, but there is a sudden pain in her chest, and she staggers to the ground)

Gray: (stands there for a moment, looking panicky) I didn't even touch her! I even have my safety on my gun! Don't I? Hey, Aki. Aki. C'mon! Q-Quit playin' around, huh? I… (a single tear wells in one eye) Nooooooooooo! Hey, is that blood? (faints)

(Jane and Ryan have caught up with Gray and Aki)

Jane: (sarcastic) Oh, no. What a shame. She died. Oh well. C'mon, Cap' let's get out of here.

Ryan: Lets put him out of his misery…

(Jane stares at him)

Ryan: What? He's obviously not going to have the mental capacity to deal with her death.

Aki: (from the floor) I'm not dead, you idiots.

Jane: Damn…

(She grabs Gray around the waist and hauls him into a carrying position. Ryan does the same with Aki, and they begin to sprint towards the ship. Once inside, they throw the two invalids on a bed)

Jane: (shouting) Neil, get us the hell out of here.

Ryan: Hey! Who made you boss?

Jane: You wanna argue, or do you want to live to see tomorrow?

Neil: Oh, man. _That time of the month, eh?_

Jane: (enraged) NEIL!

Neil: Alright, already! Out we go!

(The ship begins to move away from the deadly Phantoms that are following. Unfortunately for the characters, the ship appears to be stuck in the midst of a maze full of wreckage. Neil begins to deftly manoeuvre the ship through the maze, neatly avoiding the several thousand Phantoms that appear to be following. In the back of the ship, Gray has finally woken up)

Gray: What's going on…? Aki… Is she alright?

Jane: Well, she's not talking anymore, which is an improvement in my books.

Cannon fodder #1: You know what you have to do, Captain.

Gray: What? Hey, are you guys still alive? Wow. You survived this far, and it's almost the end of your screen time.

Cannon fodder #1: (ignoring Gray) Dr Ross should be taken into custody right now.

Jane: Custody? This gets even better!

Gray: She won't be going into custody, soldier.

Cannon fodder #1: Then I have no choice but to relieve you of your command.

(The two cannon fodder soldiers pull out their guns and aim at Gray. Ryan grins evilly, and points his gun at Gray as well)

Jane: Sarge?

Ryan: What? Oh, sorry.

Gray: Put the guns down. You'll have someone's eye out with those things.

Neil: (from the cockpit) Y'know, I just remembered I never passed my driving test for one of these things…

(The ship swerves to the side, causing everyone to fall over. Gray hits the floor hard and just as he is about to get up…)

Gray: OW!

(… A big ass box falls on his head)

Phi: That should teach you to mouth off.

Gray: (rubbing his head) Owww… (under breath) Bitch…

Phi: I heard that!

(Just as Gray is about to get up again, another bigger and heavier box falls on his head)

Cannon fodder #1: Now, Captain. Take Dr Ross into custody or I'm gonna have to shoot you.

Ryan: You know, you shouldn't let Aki get taken away… (to Cannon Fodder #1) Shoot him in the head. Clean and simple.

Neil: (from cockpit) Woah! Hard to starboard, guys!

(The Shallow Teeth all lunge to the starboard side as the ship swings to the side again. Cannon fodder #1 manages to get out of the way, but loses his gun in the process. Cannon fodder #2 isn't quick enough, and is caught by a Phantom tendril that passes through the entire port side of the ship. Bye, bye, soul/spirit)

Cannon fodder #1: Ah, crap! (grabs another gun from his armour and shoots blindly. The bullet almost hits Gray, but misses and hits Aki in the chest instead. A dramatic crash of music echoes through the ship)

Aki: (wakes up for a moment) Not that damned music again! (faints)

Jane: That is IT! _I wanted to shoot her, damnit!_

(She advances on cannon fodder #1 and deftly kicks the crap out of him. Ryan and Gray look on, stunned)

Ryan: Remind me never to kill someone you want to kill.

Jane: Sarge?

Ryan: Yeah?

Jane: Don't kill someone I want to.

Ryan: Gotcha.

(Gray rolls his eyes)

Gray: I'm surrounded by idiots.

Jane: Surrounded? You _are an idiot._

(The others snicker)

(We cut to the INT of Hein's office. The General is sat at his desk, playing on his Playstation 2. Major Elliot walks in, looking tense and uneasy)

Elliot: Uh… Sir?

Hein: Not now, Major. I'm considering a very difficult tactical move here.

Elliot: Huh?

Hein: I'm playing Metal Gear 2 and I'm stuck. (mutters) Stupid clones…

Elliot: Oh. Well, uh. The Shallow Teeth have returned from the Tucson wasteland, sir.

Hein: (not paying attention to Elliot) Well, have them shot for such insubordination.

Elliot: What?

Hein: (shouting at the Playstation) Ah, come _on, you stupid game!_

Elliot: (an evil glint appears in one eye) Hey, you know I found that secret stash of stuff you keep in your drawer. You know, the drawer with all the padlocks on and the poison and the booby traps?

Hein: (still not paying attention) That's nice. I'm sure you'll have a wonderful life together.

Elliot: Wait til the Council hears the dirt I have on you.

Hein: (sticking his tongue out in concentration) Get me one with sprinkles on top.

Elliot: (grinning evilly) You know I have a copy of that list of all the stuff you were going to – 

(The Major does not notice as the "Game Over" screen flashes on the TV, causing Hein to throw his controller across the room in a fit of rage. The General then looks up at Elliot, paying attention to every word he's saying)

Elliot: (oblivious) – blow up once you had your hands on Zeus. I'm sure the Council won't like…

(He trails off as he sees that Hein is glaring at him)

Elliot: I, uh, mean. There was an incident concerning the Shallow Teeth, sir. The Phantoms were attracted to Dr Ross.

Hein: Well, who wouldn't be? (sighs dreamily) Not that I, uh, I mean. (coughs nervously)

Elliot: Uh… huh… Well, Captain Edwards is still in command, sir.

Hein: (turning back to stare out of his favourite window) Hhhm… Issue an order… I want Edwards and Dr Ross placed under arrest, and all Dr Cids research to be confiscated immediately…

Elliot: Can you actually do that?

Hein: I don't have to. That's why I have people like you around.

Elliot: Ah. Should we have them all locked up in the brig?

Hein: No. Bring Dr Ross to me. We'll dress her up in that slave girl outfit you were wearing at the last Christmas office party. No doubt she'll look better in it.

(Elliot looks hurt)

Elliot: You said it brought out my eyes…

(Hein ignores him)

Hein: The others can await their doom until tomorrow, when we'll take them out to the nest of the Sarlaak! Then they will learn a new meaning to pain and suffering as they are slowly digested over a thousand years! Wah hah hah hah!!!

(Hein continues to laugh maniacally, until he realises that Elliot is staring at him oddly)

Hein: What?

Elliot: You've been watching "Return of the Jedi" again, haven't you? 

Hein: Maybe…

(Elliot rolls his eyes and turns around to leave the office)

Elliot: They don't pay me nearly enough for this…

(We now move to the INT of one of the medical bays. Gray is watching gravely as Cid examines the unconscious Aki)

Gray: How does she look, doctor?

Cid: Well, she has these things in her head called, eyes, Captain. Light from outside is taken in and…

(He trails off as he sees Gray glaring at him)

Cid: Oh, you mean. Ah. Well, it's not good. Jerry has tried to break out again. Last time he did this we almost lost her…

Gray: Is there anything I can do?

Cid: Hhhm… Normally I don't agree on human sacrifice in medicine, but in this case I may be willing to make an exception…

Gray: Seriously, Doc.

Cid: (evilly) Who said I wasn't being serious?

(Gray's eyes widen and he takes a big step away)

Cid: Well, she's fighting with only six of the eight spirits. We'll have to implant the seventh directly into her chest plate.

Gray: But she got shot. Will it be ok?

Cid: Well, we might have to fix it.

Gray: How, Doc?

Cid: Must I explain everything to you?

Gray: Uhh…

Cid: Don't answer that. Now, what I want you to do, is to be Aki's spiritual support.

Gray: Is that like some kind of bra?

(Cid slaps himself in the forehead)

Cid: Look, do you want to save her or not?

Gray: Well, sure I do!

Cid: Then lie down and shut up. (under breath) Why can't she go for the smart ones? No, she always has to fall for the stupid but pretty ones…

Gray: Hey, Doc. This won't involve needles, will it?

(An evil glint appears in Cid's eye)

Cid: Not usually, but as this is a special circumstance…

(The scientist turns and holds up a huge, mean needle. Gray takes one look at it and faints)

Cid: Heh heh heh…

(Gray opens his eyes, and finds himself in a strange-looking place. He stands up and looks around)

Gray: Hey, where am I? Aki? Cid? Anyone?

Voice: Hey, keep it down. Some of us are trying to be moody over here.

(Gray turns to see a teenage boy walking away into the distance. The boy is wearing a black jacket with a weird white fur collar, and his holding a weapon that looks like a cross between a sword and a gun. Gray raises his eyebrow)

Gray: Alllriiight… C'mon. Not funny anymore!

(Everything is quiet and still)

Gray: Where the hell am I?!

Aki: Great to see how well _you cope under pressure._

(Gray spins around to see Aki sniggering at him. He points at her accusingly and scowls)

Gray: Now just look here… Where are we?

Aki: Alien planet.

Gray: Wha'? How'd _that happen?_

Aki: We're in a dream, stupid. The alien planet is part of the dream. We're not _actually on an alien planet._

(Gray is silent for a moment. His faces is scrunched up with the effort of thinking it through)

Gray: We're what?

Aki: (rolls eyes) Forget it.

Gray: Well, whatever it is, you look pretty calm.

Aki: I've been having this dream for ages.

Gray: Dream?

Aki: Keep up with the conversation, Gray… (frowns) Wow, you really are here, aren't you? What's going on?

Gray: Cid's implanting the seventh spirit into your chest plate.

Aki: Which means you're my spiritual support. (sarcastic) Well, I should be just fine with you here to protect me, huh?

Gray: (oblivious to the sarcasm) Yup!

(We move to Hein, who is in Cid's lab. He is holding the sixth spirit by its hair, and is eyeing it suspiciously)

Hein: This is what they're wasting taxpayers money on?

Sixth spirit: ….

Hein: Ooh, aren't we talkative?

Sixth spirit: ….

Hein: Nice to see they gave you stupid hair.

(The sixth spirit snarls and pokes Hein in the eye with its sword, causing Hein to drop it)

Hein: OW! Why, you little…

Elliot: Sir?

Hein: I'm _busy, Major! (searches for the sixth spirit, which is now dancing around him and stabbing his ankles every so often)_

Elliot: You might want to see this, sir.

Hein: I _might want to see this little devil in midget's clothing on a stick outside my office._

(The General realises that the sixth spirit has disappeared under a table, and scowls as he walks to see what Elliot is whining about. Elliot pushes a button and a tape of fuzz begins to play)

Hein: And I am watching… what?

Elliot: Dr Ross has been recording her dreams, sir.

Hein: And that matters, because? Unless I'm in them, I don't ca…

(He trails off as the fuzz clears and gives us our first clear shot of a Phantom from Akis dream. It's a tall, purple monster with sharp-looking claws and teeth. It sneers at the camera. Hein raises an eyebrow)

Hein: Woah. (grins evilly) This is it. This is our evidence. I knew she was a spy for them, I just knew it! And now the Council will let me have Zeus and I can make everything go "boom"… Hee hee hee!

(Elliot raises an eyebrow as Hein starts to giggle inanely, occasionally muttering something indecipherable under his breath)

Elliot: Well, this should be more than enough to convince the Council to allow the firing of Zeus. I'm not sure if I should be worried about that or not.

Hein: The Council? Hah. This goes much further than the Council. They're willing to sit back and cower behind their wimpy little barriers while we – the soldiers – do the dying!

Elliot: You haven't ventured outside the barrier in years!

Hein: That's irrelevant. We're going to teach the Council a lesson. Major! Gather a group of your most trusted men. Ones who don't mind committing random acts of violence or causing the death of millions.

Elliot: I dread to think what you're going to do _this time… (reaches into his tunic and pulls out his trusty book, trying to use it to ignore Hein as he begins to giggle insanely to himself again)_

Hein: Things go boom!

(Back to Aki's dream

Gray and Aki watch as a tidal wave of colour appears on the horizon…)

Gray: Your metaphors really do suck, don't they?

Phi: Will you shut up? Obviously the box on the head didn't do the trick. I'm going to have to resort to desperate measures… (cackles evilly)

(The tidal wave grows and grows until it is obvious that we are watching a swarm of creatures sprinting towards us. Aki turns and sees another crowd of the same kind of creatures closing in as well. The two humans are surrounded, and are forced to cower in fear as the two groups of creatures collide. We're in the middle of a war, with the creatures all kicking the crap out of each other. And then, everything stops. Aki is the first one to open her eyes and see that the creatures are just stood, watching her and Gray)

Aki: Look…

Gray: (hugging Aki as if his life depends on it, still with his eyes closed) Dun wanna look! Scary monsters!

Aki: (unamused) And you call yourself a man?

(Gray opens his eyes gingerly, and gasps at what he sees)

Gray: W-Why are they staring at us?

Aki: Your flies are open.

Gray: (looks down to see Aki is lying) What? Hey!

Aki: Heh heh.

Gray: (looking back at the monsters) What's going on?

(An explosion erupts in the distance and all the creatures turn to look at it. More explosions occur, rocking the small planet. The creatures are quickly decimated by the explosions, and then, the planet blows up)

FF Fans in the audience: Whoo!

Everyone else: Wow. Pretty explosion. Does this happen in the games?

FF Fans: If it did, then we wouldn't have much of a game, would we?

Everyone else: ….

(Gray opens his eyes again to find that he is back in the real world)

Gray: Woah…

Cid: Welcome back, Captain. How do you feel?

Gray: You ever had one of those dreams where you're not sure if what you're seeing is real?

Cid: Nope.

Gray: Oh.

(Gray looks over to where Aki is still sleeping)

Gray: Is it over? Is she alright?

Cid: Well, she's still alive, which is always a plus. But we need the eighth and final spirit to cure her.

Gray: Wow. I bet that means we'll have to get into some kind of deadly situation before we find it in the nick of time and save the world?

Cid: Probably.

(Aki stirs, opening her eyes slowly)

Gray: Aki. Are you alright?

Aki: (dryly) I've been infected by a parasite, I'm dying and I have you hanging onto me like a bad smell. What could be better?

Cid: (smirking) I knew it'd take more than a Phantom to stop you being the sarcastic little minx you are.

Aki: I know what they are now… I finished my dream, and now I know what it means…

Cid: What?

Aki: We're kinda screwed.

(Suddenly, a group of armoured soldiers burst into the med bay, brandishing their weapons like they have nothing else in life)

Soldier #1: What? We _don't have anything else in life. We're extras who exist purely to be killed._

Aki: But everything exists to be killed.

Soldier #1: True, true. But it is what we do with the time we are given; that is what makes us human.

Aki: What if you waste your life doing something that you believe is good, but is actually pointless in reality?

Soldier #1: Well, you…

Phi: Uh. I hate to butt in on this ever so intelligent meaning-of-life discussion, but can we get on with it?

Soldier #1: Well, excuse me for trying to make the most of my short screen life. (points his gun at Aki, Cid and Gray)  Now you're all under arrest.

Aki: Well, this day just gets better and better.

(The scene cuts to Hein's office

Hein is sat - alone behind his desk – holding a glass full of something green in one hand and a crumpled photo in another)

Phi: Warning. Overly melodramatic moment coming up.

Hein: Only if you write it that way.

Phi: Please. How do I make _this funny?_

Hein: I dunno. I could be wearing a clown suit while it's all going on… (sees the glint in Phi's eye) You had better not…

Phi: (sweetly) Whatever you say, Dougie. (disappears)

Hein: I hate it when she calls me that…

(He takes a small, dainty sip from the glass, screwing up his face at the taste of the liquid)

Hein: What in hell has she given me this time?

Phi: (V.O.) Lets just say it'll put an interesting spin on the next scene.

Hein: Why?

Phi: (V.O.) Cause if you drink it all, and manage to stay conscious, you'll be drunk as hell. (evil snigger)

Hein: (puts the glass down) I don't want that! How am I supposed to be all angsty and moody if I'm drunk?

Phi: (V.O.) Well, we'll have to see, won't we?

(Hein pushes the glass away from him, but he can't take his eyes off it. With the expression of someone locked in a fierce battle of his mind against the author, he forces himself to look down at the photo and away from the glass. The silence is disturbed as the door opens to reveal Elliot and a small group of armoured soldiers)

Elliot: We have them, sir… (notices that Hein is locked in an intense mental struggle) Sir?

Hein: (trying to remember his lines and ignore the glass) My… My wife and daughter were killed when the San Francisco barrier failed…

Phi: (appearing suddenly) And if you want to read _my interpretation of that, you can read one of my other fi –_

(The author is rudely cut off as Hein begins to talk again)

Hein: Did I ever tell you that?

Elliot: You never told me you were allergic to penicillin and look how that turned out.

(They both shudder)

Hein: I try to imagine what… What that must have been like… Seeing everyone around you fall over dead for no apparent reason…

Elliot: … Well, in theory, there _was a reason…_

Hein: (scowls) Shut _up. I'm trying to be emotional here._

Elliot: And entirely out of character, might I point out?

(Both soldiers stare up at Phi)

Phi: (V.O.) Hey, don't blame me for this one. Blame the movie in the first place. If I were in control of this scene, you'd be ranting and raving and generally being more Hein-esque. And you'd both be wearing clown suits. (laughs evilly)

Hein: (raises an eyebrow for a moment before looking back down at his photo) And then at the end, feeling something next to you... invisible... touching you... reaching inside your body and… You've lost family, haven't you?

Elliot: Yes, sir. Though not really to the Phantoms. It was more of an accident involving water and a faulty plug.

Hein: (rolls his eyes) Well, that's why I trust you. All of you. You know what must be done.

Elliot: Yes, sir. Shall we go now, sir?

(Hein nods and stands up, putting the photo inside his trenchcoat. As a last act before he leaves the office, he subconsciously grabs the glass of green stuff and downs it in one)

Phi: (appearing) Woah. Even I can't do that.

Hein: Why's everything gone purple? (falls over)


End file.
